My Failure Resume

The joke in my family is that every door flies open for me. But that isn't the case, it just seems that way. Especially in a world where we publicly broadcast all of our achievements on social media. And a few weeks ago I received some sad news. I got my rejection letter from the University of Utah's Critical Communications graduate program. 

It's been a depressing few weeks. Now feels like a particularly vulnerable time to get a rejection letter. Work has been challenging, pregnancy is making me more immobile and I don't have my normal daily boost of endorphins from running to keep me moving along. All while I work hard to create a human whose arrival in 6-7 weeks overwhelms me to no end. 

I can't help but feel that Jill Jr. isn't coming into the best parents she could possibly have. Though I know my education and degrees are no reflection on the type of parent I will be, I want nothing more than for this little girl to grow up in a home where her mother values self worth and working hard at furthering her education. 

This is obviously not the end, I only applied to one school. And I happened to apply during a record year for grad school applications but applying to grad school is exhausting and I was so thrilled to be able to continue my education in an in-person learning environment close to my home. 

Now, this seemingly huge failure will be added to my "failure resume." A failure resume is exactly what is sounds like- a list of all the things you've failed at. It's a good exercise to help you realize how far you've come, see that success doesn't come as easily as we may perceive, and to be more compassionate towards yourself and others about the failures made throughout life. Some other things on my failure resume include my rejection into BYU the first time I applied, my freshmen math class at BYUH, my failure of an internship with a local modeling agency and many more.  

My future now feels really scary. I've always had a plan and my plan simply contains work and parenthood from here on out. I was really looking forward to continuing my education in the fall. But as I've seen with every other failure on that list above, things always work out. I know they will but for now, I will cry haha.